passing tests

Why is it that I pass all my (school) tests with flying colors... but when it comes to a pregnancy TEST I can't seem to f*$@(#^! pass one?!

UGH. Seeing BFN's is getting OLD. Real old.

VIP

I am changing the settings on this blog and making it by invite only. I just have an itch the wrong people are reading my journal and mixing my words and feelings around. So please email me your address (if you want to keep following) so I can send you an invite to my blog.

Thanks!!

-TTC #2

New cycle : New Medication

With AF's arrival the other day, I decided to try a few new things.

1) I upped my metformin (dr's order).

2) I started taking B6 (helps lengthen the luteal phase)

3) Since my insurance doesn't want to cover my higher dose of clomid, I decided to try Soy isoflavones. It works just like clomid, except it's natural... and much cheaper. ($6 @ walmart)

I was debating on buying another basal body thermometer and taking my temp ever

y morning to watch for 'O'.. but I really don't want to make this any more of a science project then it already is. So I'm just going to stick with my OPKs (and my instinct).

I am really hoping this cycle is THE cycle... because 1) I would get a + pg test in Oct-- and could tell our parents on our camping trip for DH's bday. and 2) My EDD would be 6/12/11 (I want a june or july baby... and 6/12 is my parents wedding anniversary!) :)

So please double up on your baby dust and send it this way! Thanks

Dr's Appointment Update

So most of my readers have emailed/texted me asking for a follow up on how my appt went. To be completely honest, I really haven't wanted to talk (let alone THINK) about TTC this past week. AF arrived a few days ago and it just was a big let down. I feel like I'm stuck in the mud and nothing is helping to get me out.

As far as my appt went. Nothing really happened. Which I suppose is why I bawled my eyes out after leaving the dr's office. I cried all the way home, yelled, screamed, and continued to ask "why?". I don't get why I have to be infertile. Am I a terrible mother and shouldn't be allowed to have another one? Because that's how it feels. And it REALLY feels that way when people say "God will bless you with another one soon"... or anything to do with God. I mean, I believe in God, and I don't want to push the blame on him, but after TTC for 13+ months with NO SUCCESS I would have to say your faith in God is on the edge. Sometimes all I can do is yell and scream at him and ask WHY ME.

Why Me?

Why do irresponsible teens get knocked up all the time? Why do rape victims get pregnant? Why do horrible mothers get pregnant? Why do druggies get pregnant? Why do people that have repeated abortions get pregnant? why why why? And all the questions make me believe that God isn't the one to "bless you" with a baby. It's all just science. God just sits back and watches the show.

If God were the one who "blessed" people with babies... all these terrible mothers would not have babies... and all us amazing mothers WOULD be blessed. If I don't think of it as a science, and I do sit and say "God blesses people" then I just feel like a shitty mother. So, I'm sorry if I offend anyone, but creating a baby is science. Science. And I suck at science!

Oh, here I go again. Rambling off and straying far from the subject.

Dr's Appt Update:

Upped my meds. Yup, that's all.

Metformin is no longer 1 pill a day, it's now 2 pills a day.

Clomid was upped to the highest you can go.

No talk of IUI.. try the above mentioned stuff for 3 months then return if no success.

Problem is, my insurance doesn't want to cover my clomid anymore. Not sure why, and really I haven't felt like finding out. I'm burnt out. I really don't know how some people can TTC for years. I'm barely holding on at 14 months!

So there you have it... my update on a worthless dr's appt. Hopefully I won't have to go back for another one. If I do, I am debating on switching OB's to a more proactive one. I want someone who is going to want to put all my options out there... not just load me down with meds! But we shall see...

crawling by..

My dr's appt is in an hour and a half... and I feel like time has come to a very slow crawl.

I have all these questions I want to ask, but as each minute passes I forget each and every question I want to ask. And I feel a little shy about writing it all down and taking a note pad into my appt. I just want the words/questions to flow naturally.

And since IUI has been such a triumphant task I am trying to overcome, I am finding the slower time crawls by, the more I'm starting to rethink it all. Maybe I should just load up on every fertility vitamin out there and try that? Should I start trying with medical procedures? What if the IUI fails? I'll feel like a complete failure.. more then I already do.

I told my DS today that "mommy has to go to the dr's" -- he asked "why?" and I said "because mommy is broken!" and he, without skipping a beat, said "No, mommy not broken, mommy fixed!" I thought that was so cute.. it helped me feel a little less of a failure.

Here's a little something to leave you with...

Why is it when you've had a tubal ligation you're referred to as "fixed" but when you are infertile you feel BROKEN??

First step to IUI

Well today I did it. I overcame some type of fear I had. I've been trying to hold off on alternative routes to becoming pregnant, but I just don't want to hold off anymore. I've been using the excuse "$75 dr appt just to TALK to my dr is absurd"... but then I did some research, called my insurance company, and found out my "office visits" are just that, office visits. I should only be charged a $5 copay, and not 50% of the visit. (My insurance only covers 50% of infertility treatments & procedures). So with not having that as my excuse anymore, I decided it was time to give him a call. I chickened out yesterday, but decided to do it today. I called his office and made an appt.

August 31 @ 3:50 PM.

I am hoping DH will come with me so he can ask any questions he may have about IUI (i.e. he asked "how do they wash the sperm?" and I said "Gotta ask the dr that!"). Plus I think having DH there will be a great support, and make me feel like I'm not alone in this process.

Thanks for the betrayal

Some days are better then others. Some months are worse then others. Sometimes I just want to hide under a rock and forget the rest of the world. There's this piece of me that is empty. No matter what happens in life, that piece is always cold and lonely. There is always this black cloud covering me and making me feel alone. I hate it.

I am surrounded by pregnant people. And when I say surrounded, I don't mean I go to the mall and 'notice' all the pregnant people. I mean all my friends and family are pregnant. I can't sign on to facebook without seeing someone's pictures, hearing how people's dr's appointments went, talking about baby registries, clothing shopping, ultrasounds, heartbeats, and baby showers. Is it wrong that I just want to delete everyone that has anything to do with pregnancy or babies? I mean, I'm not going to really go and delete these people, they are family and friends, but I can't help but feel the rainstorm from my black cloud whenever I see that stuff. And is it wrong that I want to avoid every babyshower that I'm invited to? It feels like someone is handing me a dagger saying.. "here, go enjoy yourself at this other person's baby shower!" It just hurts. And I'm hurting enough already.

I came across the definition of "infertile" in my Anatomy school book the other day. Here's saving you the time to google the definition...

in·fer·tile definition

Pronunciation: /(ˈ)in-ˈfərt- ^ə l/
Function: adj
: not fertile
especially : incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy over a considerable period of time (as a year) in spiteof determined attempts by heterosexual intercourse withoutcontraception

It definitely reminded me that last month I was no longer "unsuccessful" but now "infertile".

*insert bee sting here*

I feel so betrayed. My own body betrayed me! How could it do that to me?

Feeling betrayed by someone else hurts, but feeling betrayed by your own self is devastating.

A Wonderful Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

A little bit stronger..

So AF arrived today. On to our 13 month trying. I realized something today when AF showed her face.

I know my heart will never be the same, but I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay.

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

It's depressing. It's a let down. And as the months go on I start to lose hope. I was a few days late this month and normally I would've POAS every hour, but instead I POAS, got a negative result, and moved on. I just waited for AF to arrive, with no hope left that maybe I would get a positive result with another test. Right now I would be breaking down, crying, wondering WHY everyone else is getting pregnant, but I'm not. Instead I'm just getting stronger. I'm not breaking down. I'm just separating myself from those around me that are pregnant. Maybe it seems fucked up, but sometimes it's just easier to space myself from those people, then try to force myself to be happy for them. Now don't get me wrong, I know a few people that are pregnant right now and I'm very happy for them, but it still hurts. I'm 23 years old... I SHOULDN'T be infertile! I should be Miss Fertile Myrtle popping out kids left and right. But I'm not. And I guess the fact that after 13 months I am still trying, means I am strong... and I keep getting stronger.

Just a little rant

I know the whole "morning sickness" (which is sometimes ALL DAY sickness) isn't all fun and joyful, but being pregnant is. I can't help that I am SURROUNDED by pregnant people right now, but I am getting REALLY REALLY REALLY tired of listening to every pregnant person complain! I swear everything that comes out of these peoples mouth is negative. I'm just sick of it! If you're sooooo fucking sick, get off facebook and stop telling everyone about it. Maybe I am being to harsh, but I'm just sick of listening to everyone complain. I sign onto my TTC message board and everyone there that has successfully gotten pregnant aren't complaining, they are trying to get through the morning sickness, no complaining involved, and just thanking God they are pregnant! Why can't everyone be like that?

Apparently too many people get pregnant to easily and take for granted what other people struggle for. And yup, after 1 year of trying I'm just getting sick of every pregnant person. I'm just tired of trying for something that some people just get.

It's hard enough on me that we've tried for so long with no success, but when I hear my DH start to get discouraged it really makes it all sink in. The other day he asked me when he should go have a semen analysis done. Most guys dread having to get that done, mine is offering too.

As if talking about having a SA isn't enough to make you feel broken, he started talking about other methods. Yup. IUI and IVF treatments. I thought he would scratch that idea when I told him the price, instead he said the price is no obstacle. I'm trying to decide if I should call my OBGYN's office and have him up my dose of clomid, or just leave it be. I think if this next cycle (which should be starting in a few days) is a bust, I'm gonna make an appt for DH & I to meet with my OBGYN and start talking about IUI. Maybe do our first IUI treatment in Sept.. if we're successful we'll have an EDD for June. Which is ideal to me... I want a June baby :)

Well that's all...

Hitting the year mark

Well AF is due today. (What a great way to celebrate 4th of July, right?) It's closing in on 9 pm and she still hasn't shown her face, nor has all the cramps, backache, and other 'joyful' gifts she brings made their presence. Of course I'm sure when reading this your first reaction is...

PEE ON A STICK!!! COME ON!! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?!

So just hold your horses and let me finish.

DH has been asking for the last few days if I'm pregnant. Apparently I've been having lots of cravings (which is natural to me), acting more moody (again, totally natural), and just different. So after waiting for AF or any sign of her and not getting anything, I gave in. We were at walmart and we picked up some FRER's. I was impressed that he was all into it, this was the first time he's bought them with me, and when he thought they were in a locked shelf he even asked the sales associate. (I always try to buy them nonchalantly and head straight for the self checkout). Anyways.. we get home and he tells me to go POAS. I have to remind him I don't pee on command, and he'd have to wait until I have to pee.

Do I sound very enthusiastic about POAS? No? That's cause I'm not. I've peed on about 50 billion pregnancy tests in the last year, all have been BFN's (and some have had evap lines), I feel like every flippin test I take is going to be negative. I've felt nauseated, bloated, sore boobs, and every other pregnancy symptom you can think of, but it's always just a false alarm. This cycle was no different. I believe that it will eventually happen, we will get pregnant, but I can't help but feel like it's never going to happen. Does that make sense?

So I'm upstairs doing my thing when I got the urge to pee. Went in the bathroom and POAS. Thank you FRER for changing your tests so there are two ghost lines when the pee runs across, and then wala- like every pee stick in the past, only 1 line appears. Yup. NOT PREGNANT.

I threw my pity party, soaked in a hot bath, cried a little, and now I'm here, blogging about it. On to another month. On to the 1 year mark. This is the 1 year mark you DON'T want to make it to... but I did. I just hope I don't make it to the 2 year mark...

Clomid: Day 2-4

Luckily day 2 didn't bring many side effects! I had a little bit of nausea, nothing to bad. I also had weird little twinges in my abdominal area. Oh, and hot flashes. Yup. HOT flashes! I took the pills pretty late at night so I was only up for an hour or two after taking them. Maybe that's why the side effects were minimal that night!

Day 3 was thee worst! I had HORRIBLE hot flashes! The fan was on high- the AC was set at 65˚F and I was still hot. I felt like my mom! LOL. I also had a really yucky stomach. Felt like I had the runs, but didn't. Felt like I was going to puke, but I didn't. I started getting a headache as well. It all around was a crappy night! My upset stomach made me want to curl up into a ball and go to sleep, but my constant hot flashes made me want to spread out and cool down!

Thank God Day 4 was no where as bad as day 3! LOL. Again, I took the pill late in the evening about 1-2 hours before I went to sleep. I started to feel a little bit nauseated before I went to sleep, but I quickly went to bed and woke up feeling fine! I didn't have any other side effects.. no hot flashes- THANK GOD! LoL.

Clomid: Day 1

Yesterday was the first dose of this round of clomid. I even took some silly pictures to commemorate the moment. [See attached photos]

I took the pills in the evening with dinner. I've heard the side effects can be nausea, headache,

vomiting, depression, etc.. so I decided it would be best to take them in the evening to try to avoid those symptoms all day.

I am sureeeee glad I decided to take them at night! About an hour or so after taking the pills I started to feel nauseated. I hate that feeling, although I tend to get waves of feeling nauseated quite often so it's not THAT big a deal. (I sure hope I feel that way when/if I have morning

sickness when I'm pregnant. *Notice I said WHEN-- not IF-- I am pregnant. I am trying to stay positive*) I also got really sleepy, but at the same time I was to restless to go to bed. (Not to mention child #1 would not go to bed until 2:30 AM!!) The other symptom I experienced was depression.

Ugh.

Depression.

If there is one emotion I HATE feeling, it's depression! I wouldn't say I am a depressed person and need to prescribed "happy pills" (even though my Dr in Virginia DX me with depression (as an explanation for my weight loss) back in the beginning of 2008 and prescribed me Paxil, which my Dr's here in CA kept refilling, until my new Dr. said "no more!" after seeing we are TTC. Apparently Paxil is linked to lots of birth defects- thank you to my Dr's that knew I was TTC last year and kept prescribing it to me! :))

Anyhow- back to depression.

It's a horrible emotion. It takes over you and you don't feel like yourself. I hate it. I hate having an enormous urge to bawl my eyes out, yet I have no idea why! I hate hate hate it.

But that is how the clomid affected me. Nauseated, sleepy yet restless, and depressed. And guess what? That was only day ONE out of FIVE!

Clomid & Metformin = My drugs of "choice"

Accepting my fertility drugs like it's an award.

And so it begins..

Today is CD 5 of my 10th cycle (11 months of trying). I officially start Clomid today. I really hope Clomid gives us that push we need. Guess we will find out in about 4 weeks! I am kind of nervous. Nervous that it wont work and I'll be left with no other option but IUI or IVF.. both of which require lots of $$ and from what I've heard they require A LOT of work, send you on an even bigger emotional rollercoaster, and the success rate isn't even THAT high. Ugh. I just hope it works. I understand it may take a few cycles for Clomid to really help.. which is okay with me.. as long as it works in the next few months. I would really like a summerish baby (May-Sept)! And those are the months we're coming up on. EDD is March for this current cycle.

Aside from Clomid. On June 5th it was the 1 year mark since having my IUD removed. Whoa. I definitely thought I would be pregnant by then. In fact, I was hoping I would be giving birth to baby #2 this month. I thought for sure I would be having a 2010 baby... but I guess 2011 is a good year also.

This needs to be said

I've been wanting to post this blog for awhile, I just haven't gotten around to it. Today is the day though.

TTC is an emotionally draining process. If you haven't walked in these shoes, you wouldn't understand. I never did. I never thought about how a person must feel each time they weren't successful. I didn't think of how a person hurt each time they watched someone else announce their pregnancy, photograph their baby belly, or deliver a beautiful little baby. I honestly didn't put any thought into it. But now I am walking in those shoes, living that life. And I think about those things all the time. Except this time, I'm the one feeling the pain, feeling the hurt, and living that life. I don't expect most of my friends to understand.. because most of my friends haven't gone through this. And that's okay. I don't hate any of my friends because they conceived quickly. I don't hate my friends because they don't understand. But I do hate when my friends judge.

If you think I am being to emotional over this process.. please keep it to yourself. You obviously haven't walked in these shoes. If you think I need to just relax, just remember some things are easier said then done. If someone dangled $1,000,000 in front of you and said "just relax-- I'll give it to you eventually" would you be able to "just relax"? And most importantly.. if you think my blog posts are too graphic, or I should refrain from saying certain things, please stop reading my blog.

This blog is NOT here for YOUR entertainment. I've created this blog for ME. So I can look back and see my struggles. So I can appreciate how hard I struggled to achieve pregnancy. So I can look back and remember everything I went through. I created this blog for ME. I am giving YOU the privilege of reading it. The things I say on here are not for you to go around sharing with people. Please don't share the link with other people. Please don't discuss my life with someone other then me. I opened up to a few select people, I don't want anyone else to know. And to be honest, there are days I wish I didn't open up to anyone.

1st full month with Metformin

Well this past month was my first full month (almost full cycle) on Metformin. The outcome? BFN. The cycle is not yet over.. AF should be arriving in 2 days.. but I expect her to show. Kind of disappointing, but I should be used to it by now. We have been at this almost a complete year, and I am starting to lose hope. I know it sounds silly to those on the outside looking in, but sometimes I just think it will never happen. Once AF arrives I am officially on my 11th cycle. I will be starting clomid and hopefully be successful. EDD will be towards the beginning of March, which honestly doesn't thrill me. I don't want baby #2 to be born to close to my DS's birthday. I don't want to take away from his birthday, or have to plan double birthday parties each year. But then again, beggers can't be choosers. I'll take what I can get.

Because I am confident that this cycle is a bust.. I will just say it now. Goodbye cycle #10.... Helloooooo cycle #11!

Moving on to the next step

Last week, on my birthday to be exact, my doctor's office called to give me the results of the HSG.

Both tubes appear to be clear!!

I don't know why the nurse said one was blocked. My guess is the right tube took a little longer to travel through. Maybe it was slightly blocked and the dye unblocked it. The final report doesn't go into to much detail- just says both tubes are clear and my uterus is tipped (which I knew already).

The next step would be semen analysis- but because my DH has 2 children already, 1 with me and 1 with another person, he doesn't think his semen are the problem. Because we pay for 50% of all the tests and such, the semen analysis is kind of a last resort test!

Today I had my annual exam (hello Mr. Duck- it's been a whole year already?) and included in my exam I did a follow up with my labs and HSG test. Remember the labs I had done last cycle? How the results were all normal? Ya, Um.. No. Wrong. My results were not completely normal. My dr said my hormones a slightly out of whack, and I have a small case of PCOS. (Just as I had suspected) He is starting me on metformin, which should help even out my hormones, and eventually help us conceive. He is also putting me on clomid after my next cycle.

I feel like we have finally found what may be causing the delay in conception! I am so thrilled, and very pleased with my doctor! My current cycle is almost coming to an end and then it's off to a fresh start! :)

keep on waiting...

I called my OBGYN's nurse today, Vickie. She is so sweet and patient, even when I annoy her on a weekly basis with my phone calls! LOL. Of course because I call her so often she knows exactly who I am and everything in my file! I asked her to call the hospital and get the results from the HSG test. She said she was going to call the hospital and get the results faxed over, but because my doctor was not in today, he couldn't sign off the results. Vickie said she will get the results and have him sign them off Monday morning, and then give me a call! Hooray!! I can't wait!

Almost everyone has asked me what the next step is if in fact my tube is blocked. I don't know what my doctor's plan of action will be, but from what I have read in my research there are multiple things we can do.

1. Surgery. Everyone has asked if I will have surgery to unblock the tube. I have read that most doctor's don't recommend having the surgery if one tube is still working because there is a risk during the surgery my other tube could be damaged. Of course, I would rather have one working tube then none, so I don't think I will opt for the surgery!

2. Fertility Drugs. There is a drug called 'clomid'. A lot of people have heard of this, some haven't. Basically it helps your body ovulate. (Side effect? Multiple Births. LOL. Only a 5-8% chance.) If clomid makes my body ovulate (which it is already doing- but because only one tube could be working clomid will force my open tube to ovulate as well.. giving me a better chance at conceiving.) but my egg(s) don't release, they can give me a "trigger shot" which will make my egg drop so it can be in route to be fertilized.

3. Laparoscopy. It is like another HSG test, but it is a little more invasive, (open abdominal surgery) and they are able to see exactly what is blocking the tube and can clear it away if possible.

I will know more once I talk to my doctor and we are able to discuss the best treatment for me. So look for an update on Monday!! =)

Hysterosalpingogram's *estimated* results..

What an experience today was.

I got to Providence Holy Cross Hospital just after 1 pm. I checked in and sat with my DH in the waiting room, a bit nervous, a bit anxious, but overall just ready to know the results. Once the nurse called me into the room all my nervousness and anxiousness flew out the window. She explained the whole procedure to me, had me sign a few papers, and then informed DH he wasn't allowed in the room while they did the procedure! Both DH and I were upset, but I think DH was more upset. He left the room and I got dressed in the hospital gown and laid on the x-ray table. The nurse talked to me a bit more and then gave me the news... I won't get the results today!

I was a bit irritated that I had to wait even longer to know the results.. but after learning it's not that they want to torture me and make me have to wait to know.. it's because they take x-rays during the procedure- after they are done they upload the images to the computer and look at a 5x7 of the image. They can kind of tell what is wrong.. but they have to study the picture more to get a better idea of the results. Later in the day (after I have left the hospital) they blow the images up to a 10x13 (or bigger) and get a good look. They then write out their results and send it to my doctor. Sooo... that is why the doctor didn't/doesn't give results on the spot.

Anyways.. back to the x-ray table. I laid there, awaiting the doctor to come in, disappointed I wouldn't know the results. The doctor came in, an older guy who gave off a cold first impression. He had me get in the position like a pap smear, except they didn't have the stir-ups. He rubbed betadine antiseptic to make sure nothing gets infected because of the HSG. He then inserted a catheter that had a balloon in it.. the first catheter wouldn't work (not exactly sure what the problem was- I'm guessing it's because of my tilter uterus) so they inserted a different kind. I had told the nurse my uterus is tilted so she got out the second type of catheter just in case, and in the end that's the kind they needed. That one went in with no problem. After they got the catheter all settled in, they started to insert the dye. I tried to watch the TV screen and hope maybe I could see what was going on. That didn't happen. I did see the dye go through one side of my tube though. After turning from side to side, holding my breath while they took some x-rays, and feeling an intense pressure in my uterus area, I was finally done! I laid on the table while my nurse and doctor uploaded the pictures and kind of discussed things. Again, I didn't hear a lot of what they said. I did hear the nurse tell the doctor I was anxious to know the results. And I heard them say "leak".

The doctor left the room and I went into the bathroom and cleaned up. When I came back out my nurse was the only one left in the room so she handed me some papers and said my doctor's office should have the results in a few days. I asked her if she saw anything or could tell me anything and she kinda got a sad, uncomfortable look on her face (like when the doctors come out of the operating room to tell you your loved one died. Yup... that look!) She said from what she can tell it appears only one of my tubes is clear.

One.

All you need is one working tube. And she tried to reassure me that's all you need to get pregnant. But when you look at the big picture. The statistical picture. With two working tubes you have a 25% chance of conceiving each month. 1 out of 4 chance. With only one working tube I have a 1 out of 8 chance. In other words, every other month I have a chance at conceiving. A small chance. Women ovulate once a month, each month they ovulate out of one tube. If my left tube is blocked and my right tube is clear, my only chance of conceiving is when I ovulate from my right tube-- every other month.

I know I keep repeating the same thing over and over. I am just trying to wrap my head around it.

Now I really feel like I am NEVER going to get pregnant! :'(

I am going to call my OBGYN's office tomorrow and ask them to call the hospital and get the results. If they don't, then I will have to wait until Monday or Tuesday to get the official results. Monday/Tuesday feels like FOREVER away!!

So there you have it. There is my *estimated* results!

By my side

To help relieve any anxiety I am feeling about tomorrow, my wonderful husband talked to his Lieutenant today and asked if he could come in a bit late tomorrow. His Lieutenant approved him coming in late, so he's able to be by my side for the procedure. I am so happy about that! It means so much to me to have his support!!

The day before the BIG day..

Tomorrow is my appointment for my HSG test! Yikes! I am a little bit nervous... but mainly just anxious! I went in to my doctor's office this morning and did a pregnancy test (I had to "prove" I'm not pregnant so I can get the HSG done).. no surprise when my nurse came back and handed me the results on paper. Negative.

I wish I could say seeing a 'negative' result gets easier with time... but I think it just gets harder.

Another thing I realized today just after getting my negative results, I am coming up on my first cycle's EDD. Yup. It's been that long. I would be 8 months pregnant right now, had we conceived the first month we started TTC. :-/

Wish me luck tomorrow... I am praying I hear some positive news!!

Goodbye Cycle 7... Hello Cycle 8

Today marks the first day of Cycle 8. I can't believe we are going on 9 MONTHS of trying and no success! When we first started trying I didn't think I'd become pregnant right away, but I also didn't expect it to take this long! I am still trying to remain positive.. but sometimes it's hard to look at my charts and KNOW that we BD around the right time... and our chances of conceiving should have been high. Of course I am even more convinced *something* is wrong with me. And I think as the months go on... my doctor is too.

Last cycle I had my

*FHS

*LH

*Prolactin

*Estradiol

*Inhibin-B

tested.. my results ALL came back normal.

Next Step:

Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test.

I called and made the appointment for that today. Next Thursday, April 15 @ 1:30 I got to the hospital to have the HSG test done. This test checks the fallopian tubes for any blockage. They insert dye into my cervix and it travels into my fallopian tubes.. if my tubes are NOT blocked.. the dye travels perfectly through my tubes and spills over into my ovaries. If my tubes ARE blocked.. either A) the dyes force helps "unclog" my tube(s) or B) my tube is blocked and if it's repairable then surgery is an option. Part of me thinks my tube(s) is/are blocked.. the other part thinks I am just broken and the test is gonna show my tubes are fine. Of course I will update with my results.

I also need to go in on CD22 and have my progesterone checked. It slipped my mind last cycle and I forgot.

IF my HSG test goes smoothly and they find both my tubes are clear and perfect... the following step is a SA.

Semen Analysis. Luckily my wonderful DH has agreed to do the test. Although I am hoping we don't have to go that far!!

Welcome Cycle 8.. please bring us a BFP & a January baby =)

What NOT to say to a TTCer..

On one of the other blogs I follow the lady had posted this.. I thought it was too funny (and way to true) to not repost on here. Enjoy!

What NOT to say to a TTCer.

"Just Relax."
Thanks for that gem! So useful and helpful to my situation.
I'll tell you this: the first 6 months, I was SO relaxed. I was Al Bundy, hands down my pants while sippin a brewsky and watching TV, relaxed. Guess what? That didn't make me pregnant! I know, hard to believe, right?!

"Just get really drunk, then do it!"
You're probably right! I bet alcohol really kicks the old reproductive plumbing into gear! I bet all the infertility drug companies are marketing Absolut in pill form as Clomid and charging all us dumbass infertiles triple. Fucking geniuses!
Just because someone you know, or a friend of a friend of a sister's brother in law got pregnant at a massive kegger, doesn't mean that it was the alcohol. It was the fact that she forgot to take her pill and didn't make the guy wear a condom. I know it sounds really OUT THERE, but trust me.

"Just Adopt! As soon as you do, you'll get pregnant!"
Wha wha what?? I really don't see the relation between making the decision to adopt and getting pregnant. If you're thinking it would make me relax, you're wrong (and also, relaxation does not a baby make. See above).

"Try *this* position!"
Really? I've tried top, bottom, top then bottom, bottom then top, froggy style, doggy style, wheel-barrow, reverse cowgirl, from the side, and in the ear. I've been screwed 7ways to Sunday until the cows came home, put on their pajamas and watched Leno. None of them have worked so far, but I bet THAT position will do it!

"Stand on your head after sex."
Hey, I'll try that! I'll also make sure to kick you in the face, after I recover from my very serious
neck injury and my chiropractor says I can kick people in the face again.

"Go on vacation!"
You could be correct. First, I will try relaxing. If that doesn't work, I will spend a ton of money on a vacation. It must be the magical combination of sand crotch and semen and friction. It doesn't even matter when you go - I've heard that you automatically ovulate every day at noon in Cancun. Siesta my ass! They're all making babies!

"Put eggwhites in your vagina"
You're gross. Don't talk to me ever again. Ever. Also, don't ever plan on getting pregnant, because your husband will permenantly lose the ability to create an erection after you suggest this.

"Have more sex!"
Really? Sex makes babies? I TOTALLY wasted that $5000 deposit at Storkbabydelivery.com. I better get a refund! I wonder if they are a BBB member??

"Have fun trying!"
Ok, even I know this is innocent. I know people say this because they are uncomfortable and are trying to be positive. But it's obnoxious. If you say this, stop immediately.

"I wish I could give you some of my fertility, because I. Am. Fertile!"
This could be best shown by example, I think.
What? You lost both of your legs in a tragic sledding accident? Wow! I wish I could share my legs with you, because I have TWO and I am so lazy. I hate walking around. I would sit all the time if I could, but I just have so damn many legs!
*do you see what I did there? rubbed my legs in your stump-ass face?*
Please do not rub your fertility in my face. I think you're an asshole, and I keep that to myself. Also, I think your ass looks fat in those pants, yet I refrain. Please: return the favor.

"When are you going to start a family?"
AKA: When are you going to have kids? When are you going to get pregnant already? Have you started trying for a baby? Why not? Tick tock!
Oh my sweet baby jesus christ! If there was an Emmy for nosiest motherfucker, you would win! Ask once, and if you don't get an answer, then TAKE A HINT!

Here's the bottom line: The only right thing to say is "I'm sorry, that really sucks. I hope it happens for you soon." It also doesn't hurt to just listen.

Past 3 months of charts

I am trying not to over analyze, get too excited, or anything else... but my chart is looking REALLY good this month (and really different from the previous two charts)!! Last cycle my LP was 11 days, the cycle before that it was 13 days. I am currently 11 DPO and my temp is the highest it's been this entire cycle. I probably sound lame but I can't wait for tmw morning.. I wanna see what my temp looks like!! LOL. Even though my temp and chart are looking really good... I still keep getting BFN's.. which is kinda depressing.. but that's what I get for testing early! lol.

Well.. here's hoping this cycle is my lucky one!

I know I said we aren't actively trying, but I think I said that more for myself.

I have been A LOT more relaxed this cycle, except for now. LOL.

The Last Few Weeks..

I've had a few weeks to cool down, get my head on straight, and get my life back into prospective. I know a few weeks seems to be a short period of time to do all of that, but somehow I managed it.

This post isn't to inform anyone that we are still TTC, nor that we are pregnant, it's mainly just for me to get my feelings out, and I guess let everyone in.

Statistics show that if you are under 25 you have a 1 in 4 chance of becoming pregnant, meaning that it should take 4-5 months to conceive. I was on cycle 6 and still NOTHING. I am healthy, young, and appear to have no major problems to prevent me from getting pregnant, so why had I not yet conceived? Looking back on my charts I BD around my O date making my chances HIGH for becoming pregnant, yet nothing was happening! DH & I talked one night (after many days of depression) and he suggested I go see my doctor. The next day I scheduled an appt with a new OB.

REWIND: After DS was born I had the mirena put in. The 1st year I had no problems with it (except I lost a lot of weight and could never gain weight using it) the second year I had lots of problems with cysts on my ovaries. After having enough with the painful cysts I decided to have my IUD removed (plus I wanted to start TTC). My uterus was tilted so my doctor couldn't remove the IUD, I had to go in for "surgery" (put to sleep so they could remove it without hurting me) and get it removed. After having it removed I let my body go back to normal. We decided we were gonna start TTC so I made an appointment with my doctor to make sure I was in top shape and ready. My doctor refused to refer me to an OBGYN, pretty much said there was no such thing as a "pre-conception appointment". After she refused I called the appointment desk to get an appointment with a new doctors, in hopes THAT doctor would refer me. Long story short- I ended up NEVER getting a referral to an OBGYN and had to settle for an appointment with a NP. At the appointment the NP was confused why I was even there. I told her why I was there, and she said there is nothing they can do until we've tried for over a year. She never ran any tests, never asked any questions about mine or my DH's history, didn't ask me anything! Her only advice was to have sex every other day from CD10 to CD20 (didn't even ask how long my cycles are) and come back when I was pregnant, or unsuccessful for 13 months. By this time I was so irritated with that doctors office that I just gave up with the whole pre-conception appointment.

FAST FORWARD: 6 months later I'm still not pregnant and wondering what the heck is wrong with me! I called my new doctor in hopes I could get a "pre-conception" appt I had previously wanted. Luckily my new doctors office scheduled one for me. I went in last Friday and met with my new OBGYN. First of all, he's amazing! He took his time, never rushed me, listened to my concerns, and explained everything in detail. He was fantastic! Second of all, unlike the previous NP, he actually wants to run tests. He ordered 7 lab tests to check everything from my progesterone to my prolactin. He also put DH & I on a "schedule" as to when we can BD and when we can't. He is giving us 3 months to successfully conceive before he is going to perform a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) which checks to see if my fallopian tube is blocked. Because of a past medical problem the chance of having a blocked fallopian tube is high. The Dr. also wants to check DH's sperm count. I am so happy my new OB is taking this serious and is willing to run tests for us. He was surprised it is taking so long for us to conceive!

Even though my doctor is being proactive about helping us conceive, we are still some what on a break. The last few weeks have been such a weight off my shoulders. I was so wrapped up in conceiving that my emotions were wrapped up in it all also. I feel like I lost myself in it all. I am happy now that I am not stressing over it. I am still temping, partially for TTC, and the other part to get more in touch with my body and it's cycles. BDing is no longer all about trying to catch the egg, but rather because we want to get it on ;-) DH & I both decided to NTNP (not try not prevent) for awhile. In a few months we may start actively trying again.. guess we'll just have to see when that time comes. As for now, it's nice just focusing on my DS and watching him grow up and learn new things!

Another topic I want to address is my emotions towards other people. I feel horrible for feeling the way I did when I got the news from SO MANY people all around the same time about their pregnancies and deliveries!! I am happy for each and every one of them! Some people this is their first.. and I remember being in that boat and feeling so many emotions when I found out I was pregnant to when I delivered my DS. I'm also happy for those friends that are due with their 2nd or 3rd.. it must be so exciting to have a sibling on the way! I look forward to the day my DS is a big brother!!

2010 brings change

These last few months have been so hard on me. I have officially watched everyone around me get pregnant- or give birth. I've kept a smile on my face and congratulated everyone that accomplished what I have hoped and dreamed for. I've gone through a cyclone full of emotions. Happiness, excitement, hope, disappointment, anxious, frustration, confusion, and now this... now depression. I've hoped for the best, only to receive nothing but disappointment. I've watched each EDD fade away and become just a day in the past. I've watched friends and family get their BFP's, grow their baby belly, and give birth to bundles of joy. I've watched everyone receive what I've been trying so hard for. And worst part of all, I've watched my heart hurt each and every month. And this month. This month I can't take it any more. This month was the straw that broke the camels back. This month.. I'm calling it quits. Because I can't take the hurt anymore. I can't continue to watch my hopes and dreams get crushed each month. I give up. I feel like maybe I just need to let go. Let go is my hopes and dreams. Let go and move on. Because I am tired of feeling like a failure. And that's exactly what I feel like. A failure.

I'm tired of everyone telling me "it will happen" or "you're trying to hard". I'm tired of hearing how "God has a plan for me". I'm just tired of it all. That's the WORST advice you can give me right now. In fact, I really don't want anyones advice. I feel like I am the only one going through this and that NO BODY understands.

So once this cycle is over, because I am sure it will be just another failed cycle, I am closing this blog. Because I've decided my heart just can't take this journey anymore...

Where are you 'O'!!

I know it's been awhile since I updated. And all my followers are probably wondering what the heck is going on. Some may assume "no news is good news"- but in this case. Not True.

No news= nothing new has happened! LOL

I am currently on CD19. My OPK from today *appears* to be +. I have been testing for the last 9 days and every one is negative, but today's looks positive. My temp also dropped really low. Now I just need to find the time to get some BD in! DH works a double today- is barely going to be home tmw- and then leaves all Sat-Mon.

Also a reminder. This is my first cycle using PRESEED. I sure hope that helps catch the egg!!

That is all I've got to update about. The 2ww is when I have more to blog about, and hopefully I will enter the 2ww in the next few days!!! =)

Stay tuned...