Thanks for the betrayal

Some days are better then others. Some months are worse then others. Sometimes I just want to hide under a rock and forget the rest of the world. There's this piece of me that is empty. No matter what happens in life, that piece is always cold and lonely. There is always this black cloud covering me and making me feel alone. I hate it.

I am surrounded by pregnant people. And when I say surrounded, I don't mean I go to the mall and 'notice' all the pregnant people. I mean all my friends and family are pregnant. I can't sign on to facebook without seeing someone's pictures, hearing how people's dr's appointments went, talking about baby registries, clothing shopping, ultrasounds, heartbeats, and baby showers. Is it wrong that I just want to delete everyone that has anything to do with pregnancy or babies? I mean, I'm not going to really go and delete these people, they are family and friends, but I can't help but feel the rainstorm from my black cloud whenever I see that stuff. And is it wrong that I want to avoid every babyshower that I'm invited to? It feels like someone is handing me a dagger saying.. "here, go enjoy yourself at this other person's baby shower!" It just hurts. And I'm hurting enough already.

I came across the definition of "infertile" in my Anatomy school book the other day. Here's saving you the time to google the definition...

in·fer·tile definition

Pronunciation: /(ˈ)in-ˈfərt- ^ə l/
Function: adj
: not fertile
especially : incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy over a considerable period of time (as a year) in spiteof determined attempts by heterosexual intercourse withoutcontraception

It definitely reminded me that last month I was no longer "unsuccessful" but now "infertile".

*insert bee sting here*

I feel so betrayed. My own body betrayed me! How could it do that to me?

Feeling betrayed by someone else hurts, but feeling betrayed by your own self is devastating.

A Wonderful Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.