2010 brings change

These last few months have been so hard on me. I have officially watched everyone around me get pregnant- or give birth. I've kept a smile on my face and congratulated everyone that accomplished what I have hoped and dreamed for. I've gone through a cyclone full of emotions. Happiness, excitement, hope, disappointment, anxious, frustration, confusion, and now this... now depression. I've hoped for the best, only to receive nothing but disappointment. I've watched each EDD fade away and become just a day in the past. I've watched friends and family get their BFP's, grow their baby belly, and give birth to bundles of joy. I've watched everyone receive what I've been trying so hard for. And worst part of all, I've watched my heart hurt each and every month. And this month. This month I can't take it any more. This month was the straw that broke the camels back. This month.. I'm calling it quits. Because I can't take the hurt anymore. I can't continue to watch my hopes and dreams get crushed each month. I give up. I feel like maybe I just need to let go. Let go is my hopes and dreams. Let go and move on. Because I am tired of feeling like a failure. And that's exactly what I feel like. A failure.

I'm tired of everyone telling me "it will happen" or "you're trying to hard". I'm tired of hearing how "God has a plan for me". I'm just tired of it all. That's the WORST advice you can give me right now. In fact, I really don't want anyones advice. I feel like I am the only one going through this and that NO BODY understands.

So once this cycle is over, because I am sure it will be just another failed cycle, I am closing this blog. Because I've decided my heart just can't take this journey anymore...