Thanks for the betrayal

Some days are better then others. Some months are worse then others. Sometimes I just want to hide under a rock and forget the rest of the world. There's this piece of me that is empty. No matter what happens in life, that piece is always cold and lonely. There is always this black cloud covering me and making me feel alone. I hate it.

I am surrounded by pregnant people. And when I say surrounded, I don't mean I go to the mall and 'notice' all the pregnant people. I mean all my friends and family are pregnant. I can't sign on to facebook without seeing someone's pictures, hearing how people's dr's appointments went, talking about baby registries, clothing shopping, ultrasounds, heartbeats, and baby showers. Is it wrong that I just want to delete everyone that has anything to do with pregnancy or babies? I mean, I'm not going to really go and delete these people, they are family and friends, but I can't help but feel the rainstorm from my black cloud whenever I see that stuff. And is it wrong that I want to avoid every babyshower that I'm invited to? It feels like someone is handing me a dagger saying.. "here, go enjoy yourself at this other person's baby shower!" It just hurts. And I'm hurting enough already.

I came across the definition of "infertile" in my Anatomy school book the other day. Here's saving you the time to google the definition...

in·fer·tile definition

Pronunciation: /(ˈ)in-ˈfərt- ^ə l/
Function: adj
: not fertile
especially : incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy over a considerable period of time (as a year) in spiteof determined attempts by heterosexual intercourse withoutcontraception

It definitely reminded me that last month I was no longer "unsuccessful" but now "infertile".

*insert bee sting here*

I feel so betrayed. My own body betrayed me! How could it do that to me?

Feeling betrayed by someone else hurts, but feeling betrayed by your own self is devastating.