crawling by..

My dr's appt is in an hour and a half... and I feel like time has come to a very slow crawl.

I have all these questions I want to ask, but as each minute passes I forget each and every question I want to ask. And I feel a little shy about writing it all down and taking a note pad into my appt. I just want the words/questions to flow naturally.

And since IUI has been such a triumphant task I am trying to overcome, I am finding the slower time crawls by, the more I'm starting to rethink it all. Maybe I should just load up on every fertility vitamin out there and try that? Should I start trying with medical procedures? What if the IUI fails? I'll feel like a complete failure.. more then I already do.

I told my DS today that "mommy has to go to the dr's" -- he asked "why?" and I said "because mommy is broken!" and he, without skipping a beat, said "No, mommy not broken, mommy fixed!" I thought that was so cute.. it helped me feel a little less of a failure.

Here's a little something to leave you with...

Why is it when you've had a tubal ligation you're referred to as "fixed" but when you are infertile you feel BROKEN??

First step to IUI

Well today I did it. I overcame some type of fear I had. I've been trying to hold off on alternative routes to becoming pregnant, but I just don't want to hold off anymore. I've been using the excuse "$75 dr appt just to TALK to my dr is absurd"... but then I did some research, called my insurance company, and found out my "office visits" are just that, office visits. I should only be charged a $5 copay, and not 50% of the visit. (My insurance only covers 50% of infertility treatments & procedures). So with not having that as my excuse anymore, I decided it was time to give him a call. I chickened out yesterday, but decided to do it today. I called his office and made an appt.

August 31 @ 3:50 PM.

I am hoping DH will come with me so he can ask any questions he may have about IUI (i.e. he asked "how do they wash the sperm?" and I said "Gotta ask the dr that!"). Plus I think having DH there will be a great support, and make me feel like I'm not alone in this process.

Thanks for the betrayal

Some days are better then others. Some months are worse then others. Sometimes I just want to hide under a rock and forget the rest of the world. There's this piece of me that is empty. No matter what happens in life, that piece is always cold and lonely. There is always this black cloud covering me and making me feel alone. I hate it.

I am surrounded by pregnant people. And when I say surrounded, I don't mean I go to the mall and 'notice' all the pregnant people. I mean all my friends and family are pregnant. I can't sign on to facebook without seeing someone's pictures, hearing how people's dr's appointments went, talking about baby registries, clothing shopping, ultrasounds, heartbeats, and baby showers. Is it wrong that I just want to delete everyone that has anything to do with pregnancy or babies? I mean, I'm not going to really go and delete these people, they are family and friends, but I can't help but feel the rainstorm from my black cloud whenever I see that stuff. And is it wrong that I want to avoid every babyshower that I'm invited to? It feels like someone is handing me a dagger saying.. "here, go enjoy yourself at this other person's baby shower!" It just hurts. And I'm hurting enough already.

I came across the definition of "infertile" in my Anatomy school book the other day. Here's saving you the time to google the definition...

in·fer·tile definition

Pronunciation: /(ˈ)in-ˈfərt- ^ə l/
Function: adj
: not fertile
especially : incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy over a considerable period of time (as a year) in spiteof determined attempts by heterosexual intercourse withoutcontraception

It definitely reminded me that last month I was no longer "unsuccessful" but now "infertile".

*insert bee sting here*

I feel so betrayed. My own body betrayed me! How could it do that to me?

Feeling betrayed by someone else hurts, but feeling betrayed by your own self is devastating.

A Wonderful Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

A little bit stronger..

So AF arrived today. On to our 13 month trying. I realized something today when AF showed her face.

I know my heart will never be the same, but I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay.

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

It's depressing. It's a let down. And as the months go on I start to lose hope. I was a few days late this month and normally I would've POAS every hour, but instead I POAS, got a negative result, and moved on. I just waited for AF to arrive, with no hope left that maybe I would get a positive result with another test. Right now I would be breaking down, crying, wondering WHY everyone else is getting pregnant, but I'm not. Instead I'm just getting stronger. I'm not breaking down. I'm just separating myself from those around me that are pregnant. Maybe it seems fucked up, but sometimes it's just easier to space myself from those people, then try to force myself to be happy for them. Now don't get me wrong, I know a few people that are pregnant right now and I'm very happy for them, but it still hurts. I'm 23 years old... I SHOULDN'T be infertile! I should be Miss Fertile Myrtle popping out kids left and right. But I'm not. And I guess the fact that after 13 months I am still trying, means I am strong... and I keep getting stronger.

Just a little rant

I know the whole "morning sickness" (which is sometimes ALL DAY sickness) isn't all fun and joyful, but being pregnant is. I can't help that I am SURROUNDED by pregnant people right now, but I am getting REALLY REALLY REALLY tired of listening to every pregnant person complain! I swear everything that comes out of these peoples mouth is negative. I'm just sick of it! If you're sooooo fucking sick, get off facebook and stop telling everyone about it. Maybe I am being to harsh, but I'm just sick of listening to everyone complain. I sign onto my TTC message board and everyone there that has successfully gotten pregnant aren't complaining, they are trying to get through the morning sickness, no complaining involved, and just thanking God they are pregnant! Why can't everyone be like that?

Apparently too many people get pregnant to easily and take for granted what other people struggle for. And yup, after 1 year of trying I'm just getting sick of every pregnant person. I'm just tired of trying for something that some people just get.

It's hard enough on me that we've tried for so long with no success, but when I hear my DH start to get discouraged it really makes it all sink in. The other day he asked me when he should go have a semen analysis done. Most guys dread having to get that done, mine is offering too.

As if talking about having a SA isn't enough to make you feel broken, he started talking about other methods. Yup. IUI and IVF treatments. I thought he would scratch that idea when I told him the price, instead he said the price is no obstacle. I'm trying to decide if I should call my OBGYN's office and have him up my dose of clomid, or just leave it be. I think if this next cycle (which should be starting in a few days) is a bust, I'm gonna make an appt for DH & I to meet with my OBGYN and start talking about IUI. Maybe do our first IUI treatment in Sept.. if we're successful we'll have an EDD for June. Which is ideal to me... I want a June baby :)

Well that's all...

Hitting the year mark

Well AF is due today. (What a great way to celebrate 4th of July, right?) It's closing in on 9 pm and she still hasn't shown her face, nor has all the cramps, backache, and other 'joyful' gifts she brings made their presence. Of course I'm sure when reading this your first reaction is...

PEE ON A STICK!!! COME ON!! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?!

So just hold your horses and let me finish.

DH has been asking for the last few days if I'm pregnant. Apparently I've been having lots of cravings (which is natural to me), acting more moody (again, totally natural), and just different. So after waiting for AF or any sign of her and not getting anything, I gave in. We were at walmart and we picked up some FRER's. I was impressed that he was all into it, this was the first time he's bought them with me, and when he thought they were in a locked shelf he even asked the sales associate. (I always try to buy them nonchalantly and head straight for the self checkout). Anyways.. we get home and he tells me to go POAS. I have to remind him I don't pee on command, and he'd have to wait until I have to pee.

Do I sound very enthusiastic about POAS? No? That's cause I'm not. I've peed on about 50 billion pregnancy tests in the last year, all have been BFN's (and some have had evap lines), I feel like every flippin test I take is going to be negative. I've felt nauseated, bloated, sore boobs, and every other pregnancy symptom you can think of, but it's always just a false alarm. This cycle was no different. I believe that it will eventually happen, we will get pregnant, but I can't help but feel like it's never going to happen. Does that make sense?

So I'm upstairs doing my thing when I got the urge to pee. Went in the bathroom and POAS. Thank you FRER for changing your tests so there are two ghost lines when the pee runs across, and then wala- like every pee stick in the past, only 1 line appears. Yup. NOT PREGNANT.

I threw my pity party, soaked in a hot bath, cried a little, and now I'm here, blogging about it. On to another month. On to the 1 year mark. This is the 1 year mark you DON'T want to make it to... but I did. I just hope I don't make it to the 2 year mark...