New Doctor-- New Start

So last week I had my first appointment with my new doctor. I must say, he is AMAZING! In that one visit, he did almost more then my other doctor did in a year! He did an ultrasound of my ovaries and uterus. He said my uterus lining looked good, and my ovaries had cysts all over them, but he said they still looked good. He ordered a blood work-up for me, and talked to DH about getting a semen analysis. He even told us HE is the one who personally does the semen analysis, not a lab tech!! He put me on clomid for another month and wished us luck! It was an awesome visit, and he definitely helped boost my confidence in this TTC journey!! :)

A New Start.

A New Start. Yes. I am getting a fresh new start on this whole TTC thing.

With DH's current health insurance we are responsible for 50% of all things infertility related. Every time I stepped foot into my Dr's office and said the word "infertility" I was charged 50%. It was rather discouraging. I went for my annual pap smear last year, and my Dr started talking about test results, so of course he charged me 50% for that appointment. I was getting bills all the time for $75 just because we talked about my reproductive pluming not working! I had a bill for over $300 for just a few appointments, with no good results to show for it. In fact, really the only thing I got out of all those appointments was a schedule of when I could have sex with my DH.. and the advice of "try for 3 more months, if you don't get pregnant come back and see me"... every time I went and saw him. And on top of that $300+ bill I had for Dr's appointments, I also had already paid almost $100 for the HSG test.. and all the co-pays I had made when I went to the appointment. It was very frustrating. I felt as though I was being charged for no treatment. After all, NOTHING has changed in our situation! So after many attempts to get my bills resolved, I finally got ahold of someone who was, at first, completely unwilling to help, but later realized I was being wrongly billed. My insurance requires me to pay 50% of all infertility treatment. In my defense, I was NOT getting treatment. So after lots of anger, frustration, tears, etc... my Dr's office finally corrected THEIR mistake.. and I no longer have a huge bill with them!!

But even with my bill being resolved, I still have to continue with some sort of "treatment"... since I am still not pregnant. After much thinking and weighing the pros and cons, I decided to buy ANOTHER health insurance. Because DH is in the Army Reserves, we are eligible for Tricare Reserve Select. Tricare may not be everyones first choice for health insurance, but in my situation, TRS is the best choice I could get. Why? Because infertility treatment is 100% covered! The only thing that isn't covered is IVF (and I believe IUI also). BUT- if it came down to needing IVF, the Military (Navy I believe) Medical Hospital in San Diego is doing research and what not on IVF.. and I can ask to be in their "study" and have my IVF covered. But that is something we will think of in the future, if our new Dr is unable to help us.

Speaking of a new Doctor-- another reason I decided to purchase another health insurance package is because our current health insurance is an HMO. I have no problem with HMO's... but when it comes to finding a good Dr.. you don't have a lot of wiggle room. When I first met my previous Dr, I really liked him, but after a year of seeing him and him not doing anything, but bill me for treatment I never received, I decided it was time for someone else. I found (or was recommended) another new Dr, who has an amazing reputation, and is supposed to be really well trained with infertility. Tricare is a PPO, so I am able to see this new Dr (since he only accepts PPO's) and I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am to make my first appointment with him! Our TRS is supposed to kick in 4/1/11.. so after that I will be able to make the appointment. I must say, I am a bit more hopeful switching to this new Dr. I really hope he is able to help us make our dream a reality. DH and I want baby #2 so bad, and I can't wait until DS is a big brother! Hopefully it wont take long to get pregnant with this new Dr's help. Our 1st step will probably be a semen analysis for DH. I also want to have a blood panel done again, to check all my hormone levels. I will definitely update again once we have our first appointment! :)

Hope-O-Meter. Zero.

Hi! *waves*

Remember Me?

It's been awhile since I updated, guess I just haven't felt like facing everyone each month saying the obvious "another BFN". And, guess what? This post is no different.

ANOTHER CYCLE.

According to my ticker today marks the ONE YEAR SIX MONTHS mark.

Exciting right? Yea, Not Really.

And who can celebrate such an exciting mile stone without lots of love from everyone! (Ya know, the love like babies being born left and right, oh and all the new BFP's popping up everywhere).

Aside from that, it's rather depressing to realize in 6 short months I will have hit the TWO YEAR mark. And I really don't want to hit that mark. I will feel like even more of a complete failure.

And if I haven't poured enough salt in my wound- let me just say DS will be turning 4 in 2 weeks. So if a miracle (and I use that term very loosely because I just can't seem to believe in miracles anymore) happens and we do get pregnant in the next few months, there will only be a 5 year gap between kids.

Kinda makes me feel like maybe we just shouldn't try anymore. Like maybe we should just get fixed so we have a reason to our infertility.. and we don't have to be THOSE people that have a kid in college and one in elementary school. And when we pick up our kid from elementary school the teacher asks if we're his/her grandparents.

Sorry for the pity party... it's been one of THOSE weeks. Which, BTW, my readers won't even understand what I mean, or how I feel, because I really don't think any of them have had one of THESE weeks that I'm referring to. And to throw in another "wtf is she talking about?" statement- I've created yet ANOTHER blog to talk about 'THIS' kind of week. Although at the moment I don't want to share the link to that blog, nor do I want to talk about it. (And only 1 person will understand the humor in that last statement).

Anyways, I am going to end my ramble on the note that, YES, to all those wondering, we are still TTC. And at the moment, my hope-o-meter is on the low side.

passing tests

Why is it that I pass all my (school) tests with flying colors... but when it comes to a pregnancy TEST I can't seem to f*$@(#^! pass one?!

UGH. Seeing BFN's is getting OLD. Real old.

VIP

I am changing the settings on this blog and making it by invite only. I just have an itch the wrong people are reading my journal and mixing my words and feelings around. So please email me your address (if you want to keep following) so I can send you an invite to my blog.

Thanks!!

-TTC #2

New cycle : New Medication

With AF's arrival the other day, I decided to try a few new things.

1) I upped my metformin (dr's order).

2) I started taking B6 (helps lengthen the luteal phase)

3) Since my insurance doesn't want to cover my higher dose of clomid, I decided to try Soy isoflavones. It works just like clomid, except it's natural... and much cheaper. ($6 @ walmart)

I was debating on buying another basal body thermometer and taking my temp ever

y morning to watch for 'O'.. but I really don't want to make this any more of a science project then it already is. So I'm just going to stick with my OPKs (and my instinct).

I am really hoping this cycle is THE cycle... because 1) I would get a + pg test in Oct-- and could tell our parents on our camping trip for DH's bday. and 2) My EDD would be 6/12/11 (I want a june or july baby... and 6/12 is my parents wedding anniversary!) :)

So please double up on your baby dust and send it this way! Thanks

Dr's Appointment Update

So most of my readers have emailed/texted me asking for a follow up on how my appt went. To be completely honest, I really haven't wanted to talk (let alone THINK) about TTC this past week. AF arrived a few days ago and it just was a big let down. I feel like I'm stuck in the mud and nothing is helping to get me out.

As far as my appt went. Nothing really happened. Which I suppose is why I bawled my eyes out after leaving the dr's office. I cried all the way home, yelled, screamed, and continued to ask "why?". I don't get why I have to be infertile. Am I a terrible mother and shouldn't be allowed to have another one? Because that's how it feels. And it REALLY feels that way when people say "God will bless you with another one soon"... or anything to do with God. I mean, I believe in God, and I don't want to push the blame on him, but after TTC for 13+ months with NO SUCCESS I would have to say your faith in God is on the edge. Sometimes all I can do is yell and scream at him and ask WHY ME.

Why Me?

Why do irresponsible teens get knocked up all the time? Why do rape victims get pregnant? Why do horrible mothers get pregnant? Why do druggies get pregnant? Why do people that have repeated abortions get pregnant? why why why? And all the questions make me believe that God isn't the one to "bless you" with a baby. It's all just science. God just sits back and watches the show.

If God were the one who "blessed" people with babies... all these terrible mothers would not have babies... and all us amazing mothers WOULD be blessed. If I don't think of it as a science, and I do sit and say "God blesses people" then I just feel like a shitty mother. So, I'm sorry if I offend anyone, but creating a baby is science. Science. And I suck at science!

Oh, here I go again. Rambling off and straying far from the subject.

Dr's Appt Update:

Upped my meds. Yup, that's all.

Metformin is no longer 1 pill a day, it's now 2 pills a day.

Clomid was upped to the highest you can go.

No talk of IUI.. try the above mentioned stuff for 3 months then return if no success.

Problem is, my insurance doesn't want to cover my clomid anymore. Not sure why, and really I haven't felt like finding out. I'm burnt out. I really don't know how some people can TTC for years. I'm barely holding on at 14 months!

So there you have it... my update on a worthless dr's appt. Hopefully I won't have to go back for another one. If I do, I am debating on switching OB's to a more proactive one. I want someone who is going to want to put all my options out there... not just load me down with meds! But we shall see...